Sacred Scared- Being a Distant Mom

“Our sacred scared is our deepest fear- the one we hide because we think that if anyone knew about it they wouldn’t love us anymore. What we find when we share our sacred scared is that it’s the very thing we should be sharing more. Because our sacred scared is the key that unlocks our humanity. When we share it, people love us more because we’ve given them permission to love themselves more. Sharing our sacred scared is like handing a world full of messy, waiting people an invitation to show up as they are. We are all afraid. And that’s okay. We can show up and take care of each other in the midst of all the fear. That’s the good stuff. And you know what the antidote to fear is? It’s NOT self improvement. It’s love. When we love messy people well we start to love our messy selves more. And all that love makes us BRAVE. And eventually, Love beats fear. Love Wins.” From the Sacred Scared Blog series here on Momastery.com

I read this blog series and felt like I wanted to write my own post in this vein. One thing Glennon Doyle Melton (the original blog curator) did was have everyone submit a picture of themselves without makeup. That’s easy for me.

 

Me without makeup.

If you go on my Facebook page, you’ve got lots of options to see me without makeup. I hardly wear it here in Peru and never when I’m reenacting 1860s life. I know I look different with makeup on and I like how I look but it isn’t always worth the time and effort. I don’t mind not wearing it and feel the same inside whether I have it on or not. But my sacred scared…..that’s a bit harder to put out there. But it wasn't too hard to think of what my topic would be. **So if you comment, please be gentle. This isn’t a post designed to get a bunch of pats on the back but I’m also exposing a vulnerability and I would appreciate gentle responses.**

My Sacred Scared....

As a child, I was a voracious reader. I read All. The. Time. In school, out of school, on the walk to and from school…I’d hide a book under my desk and half pay attention to the teacher so I could get another chapter or two in. One of the books I loved was The Secret Garden. One of the sections that haunted me was the description of Mary’s relationship with her mother. Mary called her mother Mem Sahib most of the time and spent very little time in her presence. Mary’s mom left her to be raised by her Indian Ayah (nanny), never having actually wanted Mary at all. (Check out Chapter 1 here.) Mary knew her mother didn’t want her; not being an affectionate child, it didn’t seem to bug her that much but it bothered me.

And that’s my sacred scared- concern of being a mom without a deep connection to her children, whose kids will grow up feeling like Mary did, that it was better that they not be around or that their mother didn’t want to be bothered with them. In my more lucid moments, I know this is ludicrous. My girls love to spend time with me.  Last week, both of them burst into tears after I had been with them and wanted to take off for a couple of hours to run errands alone.  They got over it, but it shows they do have a connection.  I spend hours daily with the girls, and they still frequently inhabit my thoughts when I have time away from them. But I also crave my time alone. I am a fiercely loyal person and one driven by duty. I like to find ways to help others. That is certainly reflected in my relationship with the girls. But sometimes I just want time for me and I really would prefer to be alone, without the responsibilities inherent in parenting. I know that isn’t unique to me; there wouldn’t be funny memes about wanting to be able to pee by yourself if it wasn’t a common experience.

                                     

                                   

And neither am I soldiering on alone, spending every spare minute with the girls and dreaming of a time where I have a moment to think. I feel no guilt at all about taking time for myself.  I have a supportive husband who intentionally makes sure that I get some time to myself each day. I guess that even though I knew “everything would change” when we had kids and that they were a 24/ 7 responsibility that the day-to-day realities have hit me harder in these past 6 years than I expected. And I have also learned that these early years are not my favorite. The daily monotony is really hard for me.

I hope to build a strong relationship with both of our girls; that when they grow up they will want to spend time with me (and that I will want to spend time with them). I am betting some of my parenting choices on this and deliberately implementing strategies that I hope will help me achieve this long term goal. And yet, the fear of them thinking that I don’t want them around still haunts me.

This is more of a stream of consciousness post than anything. I started it a couple of months ago, when I was having a particularly rough mom night. The kind where after the kids are in bed you want to zone out and turn into a zombie but you can’t because your mind is spinning too much. Things are pretty good right now- I am in a better place of patience with the girls, seeing their good qualities (of which there are many) and getting in some good long talks with friends and family (my support network). I’m excited about the new parenting skills I’m learning (check out connectedfamilies.org and http://communityradio.pagatim.fm/passport-to-parenting/ for some great tips that you can apply to kids of all ages.) My husband is also amazing at providing me space and time for myself and taking lots of time with the girls and doing activities with them.

But when I was thinking about what my next blog post should be, I found this draft and wanted to finish it in time for Mother’s Day. It isn’t your typical Mother’s Day message. But I think the days of me fitting a “typical” box are probably long past. Here in Peru, Mother’s Day is basically the biggest holiday of the year. There are “Feliz Dia de la Madre” signs, balloons, and red ribboned items everywhere. Gift fliers have scads of gift ideas like clothing, flowers, chocolate, jewelry and more. Schools hold programs with crafts and gift basket drawings (and give kids the week after Mother’s Day off…which seems kind of counter intuitive to me, but who am I to question). It’s a big holiday in the states, too, and comes complete with “should-do” and “should-give” lists. Some of what I’m learning in our time here is new parenting techniques that are helping me be more the parent that I want to be and also just how impossible some of our preconceived notions are. I know that Mother’s Day is a hard day for many women- hard because of not having a baby to cuddle and love, whether because of infertility, loss, or never finding that right someone with whom to start a family. It's hard because of children taken away, whether their own or foster children, not having a blended family together (or having to deal with the aftermath of a family schism).  For some, the parenthood journey didn’t turn out according to plan and their children are distant or estranged or have big problems that mom can't fix. And for many, it is a great day to celebrate with the family.

Whatever your personal experience with motherhood, I wanted to acknowledge that life often doesn’t turn out how you expect. Parenting isn’t easy; not parenting when you wanted to isn’t easy. (And our culture doesn’t always make it easy for people who never wanted to parent without intrusively asking them why they aren’t parenting or when they plan to have kids.) Wherever you are, I hope that you can find people who support you and uplift you when you need it. I am thankful for the people in my life that are part of my support team and also that we can keep growing, changing, loving, grieving, and moving forward. And I am thankful that motherhood doesn't have to be a solo venture, because I am quite confident I could never handle it alone without the larger group of family, friends, and online resources.

**So what about you?  What comes to mind for your sacred scared?  Who might you share it with?**